Web browsing, e-mail, chatting…they’re all things we do on a daily basis (and in my case, so does checking my site hit statistics, among other things). And for as long as anybody’s known them, they’ve been strictly two-dimensional. You point, click, and read in an interface designed for you to get the most out of what you want to look at, rather than staring blindly at a 1000-pixel-tall toolbar or a progress bar bigger than the grin on your face when you order your favorite meal.

The point I’m trying to make is that the delivery systems are two-dimensional because the content they deliver is two-dimensional as well. The text on a web page, for instance, doesn’t all consist of WordArt and Flash, especially if the people involved in designing the site had any shred of common sense. In short, there’s absolutely no need to add in a z-coordinate when the information displays just fine using x and y. It’s overkill, and it overcomplicates things.

Not to nitpick anything in particular (especially on an app that’s still in development), but I’ve come armed with examples. Take a look at 3D-Mailbox, for instance. This e-mail client promises to revolutionize the way you look at your e-mail by (what else) giving you a 3D interface with which you can act upon your communications. The e-mails file in one-by-one looking like various beachgoers, and where they go in this “oasis” designates how important they are. The fat people wading too far out into the shark-infested waters are spam, while the scantily-clad women tanning nearby are the trusted e-mails.

Now, here’s my first gripe: Why should my e-mails get so separated that there are only a handful at any one location? I prefer being able to stare at the big picture, but if I have to navigate around so much to do make a mental picture for myself, you’ve ruined everything. Why do unread e-mails go here, read e-mails go here, things the program can’t tell are spam here, and this here and that there? (Yes, I realize the bottom half of the application is a standard e-mail list…but if you’re going to the trouble of making a 3D app to do away with a standard “old-fashioned” list, why should that even be necessary? Eh? Eh? I’m waiting.)

Not to barrage the developer even more, but remember what I said about site traffic statistics? Yup…the same people that brought you 3D Mailbox have also developed a way to see who’s on your site…in 3D. Explain to me why I need to see a Greyhound drop off a few people when someone finds Two Slashes via Google. How about I just open up my copy of FireStats and read about the person who just showed up.

It gets worse beyond these too. If it weren’t for the fact that Second Life has a game(-ish) concept behind it, I’d almost call it a chat client.

Does anyone remember the old Microsoft-developed IRC (Internet Relay Chat for you newbs), aptly called Microsoft Chat (not to be confused with the Microsoft Network or any other Microsoft (blank) application)? That crazy application that turned your “bland” IRC-based communications into a fun, yet colorless, comic strip. Yes, the very same one that bungled up IRC standards so badly, the people who actually know how to use a proper client (who are still horrified when they find MSChat users spamming configuration settings to control their character’s emotional state) shudder and go into fits of rage. (Though on the other hand, I have to commend MS for providing users with a very serviceable free IRC client for their operating system…provided it was used in a standard “line” mode rather than with the comic garbage.)

There are times and places to go right ahead and use the third dimension.  But when it overcomplicates even the simplest of day-to-day tasks, there’s obviously been a step way too far over the line.  People refurbish old computers and sell them (or give them away to relatives) for use as basic web browsing and e-mail rigs.  I don’t get why these should be just as powerful and expensive as the usual gaming rig to look at what would be represented by any other application as meaningful text.

The day I need a three-dimensional client for anything is the day my communications can no longer be expressed in text.  I mean, I thought concepts like the bubbly IncrediMail were horrible (and why the f**k is it still around!?)…but then again I should have realized that if there’s a market for emoticon-splashed messaging, it was only a matter of time.  What’s next – an e-mail client that projects a hologram of some long-since U.S. president to announce new messages in “Ye Olde Englisch”?